a scheme

Gina Gold goes west in search of fame, freedom, and her first good lay. 

Part 2 of a 3-part summer series.

By the time she was 24, Gina Gold was in theater school, drinking beer for breakfast, failing her classes and fantasizing about skipping town. That's in addition to the issues she was having with her boyfriend…

This story was produced by Ana Adlerstein in 2015 and edited by Kaitlin Prest. 

Behold Gina Gold’s storytelling genius.

Follow Gina on instagram.

transcript

NK:

From Radiotopia and Mermaid Palace, this is Swelter. 

[smooth & swirly theme music, sounds of jumping in a pool]

NK:

[whispers] Sweaty.

By The Heart. 

[sizzling sounds]

NK:

I'm NK. 

Phoebe:

And I'm Phoebe. This is the second installment of our summer series. Stories that still make us sweat. 

NK:

We've got some hot topics and a friendly reminder that Black lives matter, even when they aren't teaching white people about race. [laughter] Hi, Phoebe, have you punched a cop today? 

Phoebe:

Yes NK, I bought him Shake Shack and then I punched him. 

[laughter] 

NK:

Great. 

Phoebe:

This episode is about a woman with a scheme. 

"China Blue":

[clearly acting] Hi this is China Blue, who is out there? 

"Derek":

[also clearly acting] Uh, This is Derek. 

NK:

The Scene. 

"Derek":

Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Yes. keep...

[clearing throat]

A Yoruba priestess named Toby is pretending to call in to the number 947-WETT. 

"China Blue":

Now, are you ready? 

"Derek":

I am in my penthouse suite with my friend Delilah [laughter]. 

NK:

Her best friend, Gina Gold, the protagonist of this episode is trying as hard as she can to reenact something she did. 

[conversation continues under NK talking]

NK:

More than 20 years ago. 

Gina Gold:

Can you slap that nakedness? Can you pop it? mmm. 

[sounds of slapping, "I'm spanking her!"]

Phoebe:

Ana, Heart reporter extraordinaire, is trying to keep things moving. 

Ana:

[directing] We need more like .... then we'll call it.  

Phoebe:

They're all a little more than tipsy on Shabbat. 

[shrieking, laughter, "I can't be a man!"]

Phoebe:

It is Saturday after all. From a few special mornings such as this, this story was recorded. 

NK:

Our story begins in the 80s. Gina Gold is living in Boston, studying at theater school, drinking beer for breakfast every morning and having some issues with her boyfriend, Dimitri. 

[old timey romantic music begins]

Gina Gold:

I really love him. In a 23 year old kinda way.

We went on picnics and we laughed and we would go to the shopping mall a lot. We would go into North Beach leather and get undressed and I would suck his dick in the dressing room. [pause here with music]

Up until we tried to have sex, I had the best time ever with him. Dimitri was the first person I tried to have sex with. 

I never had sex in my life. 

[music fades away]

I wanted to do it, but I was scared. I was convinced that my vagina wasn't normal and that it must have a special shape that doesn't allow the dick to go all the way through. There was something stopping it, like there was a barrier. 

He took his dick out and his dick looked like it was twenty five inches long. And I just got terrified at the thought of - I let him try, but then I freaked. I was like, oh, my God. No, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Okay, slow down. And then he got insulted and he got up and then he left. 

I offered to cook dinner for him, but then I realized I didn't have any money to actually cook the dinner. So I went to the store to steal a chicken. Well, when I got to the store, I usually like when I would steal a chicken, I would put it in my pants. So, it was the 80s. 

But I… [giggles] but the store was crowded that day and I realized I couldn't steal the chicken. So I was gone for a really long time. And when I got back, there was just a note that said, Dear Gina, you'd screw up a trip to hell. 

[music returns]

It really hurt my feelings, but I was gone for two hours so I could see how that looked bad. 

This was before cell phones, so I couldn't call to say, you know, I'm delayed. And then how can I say that I'm stealing a chicken? I'm held up? And I don't know what I was thinking anyway, because it was raw. Like I still had to cook it when I get back. Like, why didn't I, you know, steal a rotisserie chicken? It just was bad planning. 

I was so heartbroken over Dimitri and I was really depressed. I wanted him to know how I felt. So I wrote him a Dear, John letter. 

Dear Dimitri, I love you. I'm really sorry about the chicken incident. However, the way that you dealt with my sexual problem was mean and selfish. And so now I'm leaving to go across the country. Go fuck yourself. 

I had $69 and I bought a Greyhound ticket one way with the hope that I would make it as a famous actress. 

And I packed up six dresses in a suitcase and I got on the bus and headed out west. 

[music picks up speed and then fades]

When I got to California, I, I immediately got a job at Berkeley Repertory Theater doing telemarketing, because I thought at least I'll be close to the theater. But I was upstairs like nowhere near the theater, just selling subscriptions over the phone. And I was having trouble selling because I just was — I was — I just — my heart wasn't in it. And the supervisor complained and said, you guys aren't selling any subscriptions. You need to flirt on the phones more. And the woman next to me said if I was gonna flirt on the phone, I'd be doing phone sex. 

So I was like, that's it! I'm going to do phone sex! 

[jaunty music begins] 

I called, I called and I said, you know, hello, I would you know,  I'm an actress - as if they give you shit. I was like, yes, I'm an actress. I I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts and they, like, cut me off immediately. They're like, yeah OK, just come in and audition. 

[low dragged out tone underneath]

There's a room that's divided into cubicles and it says "Hot California Blonde's". They were all Black women, that looked like they were from deep East Oakland. 

One woman was like… [impersonating Oakland accent] Yeah, um, I got Blonde hair here and um, I got blue eyes. 

And they were moaning. One girl, she had the phone down on the floor as she was actually doing her nails. And just like moaning from afar, like not really putting any thought or effort into it. 

I stumbled through the audition, but I got the job. 

Gina Gold:

[sounds like she is answering the phone sex hotline] I am in my penthouse suite with my friend Delilah. And Delilah and I like to play with each other's... cotton candy with cream inside. 

Gina Gold:

I started out on the soft porn line. It couldn't be explicit, you had to speak in metaphors. 

[sounds like she is answering the phone sex hotline] But what we really want to do is take your hot dog and lick all of the mustard off. 

Gina Gold:

It would always be awkward because as they're saying that like, do you know, do you want me to put my dick in your ass? Then you'd have to respond, yes, I want you to park your car in the garage. Because if you slip, the supervisor would come busting in while I'm on the call. 

[impersonating her supervisor] I'm putting this in your file, Miss Prissy !

Gina Gold:

I got really good at it.

[old timey music begins]

[Montage of different voices & phone sex conversations]

I have a giant garage, and it's just waiting for your big black Cadillac to drive in... 

John, I'm going to open up my mouth big and wide, and you're going to take that hot dog and slowly slide it in the bun. 

Oh, I like that Delilah, do you like that Derek? 

Oh, well thank you. Oh, that's wonderful. I love you, too, Tom. Bye. 

[music fades]

Gina Gold:

There was that first month while I was doing phone sex where it was like crack cocaine. I was like, this is awesome. You're telling me that I'm skilled sexually? 

My brain is eventually going to go, you are not really having sex. These people don't really like you. You're not really sexually skilled. 

And when I finally got that on a cellular level like, this is not real. That's when I decided to transition to, stripping. 

[upbeat old timey accordion music]

If I was grinding on dick, if I was sitting on dick in a thong, there should be no way...that I would be afraid to fuck. 

NK:

As we await the fall of capitalism, here is a word from our sponsors. 

Gina Gold:

After a few years, nothing had changed. I'm twenty eight and I still didn't have what I really wanted, which was sexual intimacy, and I was super depressed. I felt that I was not good enough. That something's inherently wrong with me. Yes, I was able to have a good time, to a point but, every time someone tried to put their dick in, it — I felt the wall. 

They didn't feel the wall. They said I wasn't relaxing. I felt like it's not because I'm not relaxing, it's because - or I'm not relaxing because you don't get that there's a wall there! 

And they felt that the wall was me. And then, ais that person going to not like me anymore? And it's just such a crappy feeling. 

[low vast tone]

I finally decided that I was going to go to the doctor. 

I said to the doctor, I think that there is a wall in my vagina. 

And she laughed, and I said, no, seriously, this is — there's sort of a deformity,  you need to take me seriously. 

And she said, let's do an exam. And I said, I can't. I cannot have you put the speculum on. I cannot. No. So she said, OK, let's try putting you out. So we actually had this whole big thing where I went to UCSF, got put out thousands of dollars and it's just to have a fucking exam. I woke up and I was like, tell me about the wall. And she was like, as I said — told you, there is no wall. You are totally normal. Everything down there works. And I was shocked. 

She told me that the wall was in my mind, that my body had clamped shut. That the mind is so powerful that it can create a wall that's not there and that because I felt fearful and apprehensive I created a barrier that in my mind became a physical barrier. And that this condition is called vaginismus, and it doesn't have to be caused by something horrific like, you know, a rape. It could - it's just it's just a feeling of not having control. It could be caused by a poor relationship with a parent. It could be caused by , um being a child and having a painful dental exam or rectal exam or just anything that...you fell out of control and needed to shut down. And it's not necessarily sexual. 

So I thought, OK, so now what? 

[bouncy accordion and harmonica sounds]

With the money that I made stripping, I hired a sex therapist and a sex surrogate and they worked together. 

The sex therapist is to help you psychologically with any sexual problems that you're having and to navigate — to help you to have a plan as to how you're going to work with a sex surrogate. The sex surrogate is the one that actually has physical contact and ultimately may... have... sex with you. And all this - most sex surrogates were women. I said, I don't want a woman. That's not going to help me. And she said, well, there's only one man. 

[slightly slower romantic music]

I go to Berkeley, to the guy's house, I knock on the door. He opens the door. 

[music stops, echo lingers for a moment]

He's this... older, red faced, red necked gentleman with a really bad Massachusetts accent. Like, "Chahles" town. And he had a Donald Trump comb over. 

[burst of accordion sound]

And I was like, I don't want to fuck you. I'm sorry, I can't I - maybe you have something else you can do. So he said, OK, would you be willing to get undressed? I would be willing to get undressed, but don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me, like don't look like you're excited about me being naked. 

So I got undressed. He had a big king size bed that had satin sheets and then a very New England quilt on the top. 

I opened up my legs, which — a very vulnerable thing to do on his bed, on that quilt. 

He just said, can I put the mirror in between your legs? He put the mirror in between my legs and he paced around the room. 

Gina Gold:

[impersonating sex surrogate] Alright, Gina, do you feel yourself in the room? Do you feel yourself naked? Do you see your legs? Do you see your vagina? Do you see your labia? Do you see your clitoris?

Gina Gold:

This is my labia. This is my clitoris. 

This is my outer labia. This is my inner labia. This is my vulva. 

As I said, the words I —

I heard, 'this is my'. Like the, this is my part was like this is my body. And there it is. 

There's really nothing mysterious about it. I felt in control and I felt like the whole thing had been demystified. 

[tones slowly building up, notes getting higher in pitch]

I knew that I couldn't have sex with the sex surrogate.

[music calms, weighty bounce to it]

But I had been going to Bank of America across the street from the barn, which was my house for quite some time. And there was this young guy who was short. He had glasses. 

And I slipped him a note while I was making a deposit. And I asked him if he would like to come to my house for dinner. 

[music swells]

I had tried to make my room look like a love den, and it just kind of looked like a freak show. I got this idea that I would get like a fishing net and I hung the net from the ceiling. Then I had painted the floor gold with this toxic paint. 

So I made him some vegetarian shit out of The Moosewood Cookbook. 

I said, listen, I don't mean to put you in an awkward position, but I've never had sex before. I'm 28. I want to have sex right now. No pressure. And he was like, OK. 

I think he just said, OK. We drank a 40 oz watched some episodes of Twin Peaks, and then we were ready to... fuck. As he got on top of me, I remember looking up at the net and I just thought, OK, this is stupid. I shouldn't have cooked the cheddar cheese with rice and filo dough. That was dumb. And the — the song selection is dumb and this is dumb! My delivery, when I told him I had never had sex before. That was bad. Like, I didn't — I wasn't smooth. I was like, you know, can we have sex? And by the way, I've never had sex, [rushedd] and you're my first one okay let's go. Like...it is not... [trails off] I was like — this, I want to do over. But then I was like, fuck it! We're doing this shit. So turn turn up the Public Enemy. [low music swirling underneath her voice]

The guy got on top of me and he's about to stick his dick in, and I was like, this is a real dick. 

Oh, my God, this is the real deal. So I start breathing in and out. And I was like, this is very scary. Breathe in. This is totally terrifying. Breathe out. This is really scary, breathe in. Then his dick went in a little further, this is very scary. Breathe out. Oh my god. I think I'm going to die. 

Breathe in. Oh my god, it's probably not even in at all. Breathe out. 

Until, a couple minutes had passed and I was breathing in and out. And I said, I'm ready for you to go in. He's like, I've been in for two minutes now. 

And then I was like, oh my God, I'm the bomb! I don't even feel it. [romantic music returns]   And then I was like, can you go deeper? Can you like, slam it? Like... I was so impressed with myself. And I felt like, I could have gone bigger and harder. Like it was a good feeling. Not so much for him, I think. I don't think he called me back. 

If you're out there on Facebook. I really apologize for putting you in that position. It wasn't right, but thank you for what you did, it was a good service. 

My sex life got so much better, so much more interesting. I was so excited and I just couldn't wait to explore. 

Oh my god. I can fuck who ever I want. 

I this — I can do all kinds of crazy, kinky foreplay and it's going to lead to actual sex. 

I felt so free.

[finale with music speeding up then dramatic beats until it stops]

[silent pause]

[slow accordion music returns]

The end. 

Fine. 

The end.

Gina Gold:

Yeah. Props to Peter. What you did has lasted a lifetime. I'll never forget you. Thank you. 

And shout out to the to the surrogate with a comb over. Like, don't take it personally. Chahles. 

NK:

This story was the result of many magical individuals who all need their own shout-out. Thank you, Toby. The Yoruba priestess and sometimes roommate of Gina.

Gina Gold:

On top of everything else that you've talked about, that she's looking for someone to properly tend to her vagina. Am I right? Don't look shocked. See, she knows I'm right. 

Phoebe:

Thank you, Gina. 

Gina Gold:

Oh, God what more do you want from me? I've given you my soul. What, god! What? OK, go ahead. 

NK:

Thank you also to Gina's daughter. 

Gina Gold:

You better be on your best behavior, right? OK. 

NK:

Who let the recording shenanigans happen on her bunk bed.  

Phoebe:

Thank you to Ana Adlerstein, who is an incredible radio producer who produced this story with Kaitlin Prest. 

NK:

And finally, thank you to Erin Finn Bloom. 

[someone singing: I'm really sorry about the chicken...]

He sang the part of a dancing gorilla that never made it into the final cut. 

[dramatic singing: Go fuck yourself]

Phoebe:

If you want to behold Gina Gold's storytelling genius check out the GinaGold Show.com. Gina also recently wrote a book called Blue Ormus, which tackles the issues of women, sex workers and animal rights. Follow her on Instagram @TheGinaGoldShow. 

NK:

This episode was hosted and produced by Nicole Kelly and Phoebe Unter. 

Phoebe:

That's us. 

NK:

The heart is Kaitlin Prest, Sharon Mashihi, Chiquita Paschal, Nicole Kelly and Phoebe Unter. 

Phoebe:

Share The Heart with your friends. Give us a rating on iTunes. You can follow us on Instagram and Twitter @TheHeartRadio. 

NK:

Follow our parent company @MermaidPalaceArt. 

Phoebe:

This show does run on your donations. If you'd like to make a donation, you can do so @TheHeartRadio.org. You can read and listen to our whole back catalog on TheHeartRadio.org. 

NK:

The Heart is a proud member of RadioTopia.