This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly and hosted by Kaitlin Prest. Neon Touch is a queer BIPOC gathering hosted by Meghan Gordon (Meesh) & Angela Peñaredondo (Mercury) in Los Angeles. Meghan is an artist and gallery director, Angela is a writer and educator.
Music: “Unsilenced” by Ketsa; “Our Only Lark” by Blue Dot Sessions; “Lo Fi Shuffle” by ADJ; “Walking in depreston promo shorter” by Ai Yamamoto; “Detailing” by Blue Dot Sessions. “Liquid Crystal Love” by IASOS can be heard playing in the background of the party.
transcript
Kaitlin Prest:
From Mermaid Palace and Radiotopia… Welcome to The Heart. I'm Kaitlin Prest.
[theme music starts, a drum beating like heart]
I don't know if you've been feeling the absence of physical touch in your life, if you have been missing the way that it feels to have contact on your skin. Sensation. Physical pleasure [people sigh deeply sounds of enjoyment] For this episode, I recommend that you snuggle in, lie down, close your eyes and let the sensual experience of the world that you're about to enter, wash over you. Before the Quar, NK went to an erotic party hosted by her friends, Meesh and Mercury. It's called Neon Touch and it's sensual platonic space, where a group of women and non-binary queer people of color and some select allies explore pleasure together with the help of a special...toy.
[sounds of electricity moving through the air, crackling]
Meesh:
This is the Neon Wand. This is the comb, this is the most gentle of all the tools, it disperses the electricity across all the different prongs. So what I'm going to do is on both of your arms, I'm going to show you what all the tools feel like. And I'm not going to do it anywhere else. Just. We're going to do a little experiment.
[Buzzing sounds like a tattoo machine, up-tempo music begins-rhythmic pulses of buzzing that sound intentional]
So the something you'll begin to notice is even just on your arm. There are all these different sensitivities and everyone has a different map of what feels good, what sensitive spots, like, feel good and don't feel good, like the difference between the palm of your hand and the back of your hand, [music continues-two short buzzing noises] one of my favorite places is actually like under the fingernails.
[piano continues along with steady buzzing pulses]
And then, though, the really crazy thing is that you can actually touch me and shock me. So even though I'm the one who's connected, I have the power. It's a switch situation, right? Like, I don't necessarily always have to be giving when I have the power. And then if we were to hold hands, you could shock the next person. [pulses of buzzing] Plants can conduct electricity…
Meesh:
Will you grab me a flower? You can just pluck one out. I only need one.
[Buzzing]
It's like it's almost like the difference between making your own food [laughter] and ordering it, it's like, really good both ways, [laughter] but somehow coming from making it yourself, It's like a little bit better.
[background party noise, laughter and buzzing continues]
Party Attendee:
Wow!
Meesh:
So this is really the thing. [rhythmic intentional buzzing]
Mercury:
Oh, my God.
Meesh:
That other stuff is like for beginners. [crackling noise continues]
Mercury:
Oh my god that's... bananas. [laughter] stop...don’t stop... Oh wow. [crackling noise and music fades out]
Meesh:
The neon wand has become a really important object to me because it allows me to have these kinds of discussions around touch and play that I want to have.
[buzzing noise begins quietly]
Suddenly, there's an object that glows. That shocks you with these little blue lightning bolts between my finger and your finger, and [little shocking buzzing noises like darts shooting out] like, we all kind of have preconceived notions about what pleasure should look and feel like, about what sex and the erotic are like. And this tool, most people have never felt this sensation before. And it just kind of sets us all back to zero.
Meesh:
[to attendee] Are you ready for electricity?
Mercury:
Yes I am. [it sounds like an intimate space, sensual humming moaning noises]
Meesh:
So we're kind of sitting in this lovely little circle.
Mercury:
Thank you for taking the time on my wrist like that.
[beautiful woodwind music plays in the background]
Meesh:
[quietly] this is so fun for me I love it
Mercury:
I'm really thankful for and feeling the effort and the time. [satisfied sighing]
Meesh:
The wand has become this like barometer, basically for the type of person and the type of play that I'm interested in, and it doesn't, you don't need the electricity to do it. It's just a really great, like entry way for people to understand, like, oh, if you like this kind of touch, like this patient, gentle, you know, kind of, can be silly, like it can be so many different things. Like if you like this, you're one of my people. We should spend time together because it's hard to find people who actually enjoy these things. [buzzing begins again] And have the patience to do them back to other people. [Sound of electricity crackling in spurts]
The acknowledgment that pleasure isn't a complete thing and it's always in flux, also, I think the Neon Wand really helps people understand that.
[Buzzing in the background, people greet each other flirtily as they begin to arrive at the play party]
Party Attendee:
Hi!
Meesh:
Hi, really nice to see you…tonight is the first time that I'm hosting this gathering. My intention was really to create a space to explore the erotic intellectually and creatively and with our bodies, a space that would be sustainable for me. And it finally dawned on me that that would be within friendships.
[laughing and talking in background-sounds like an intimate space]
[People talking quietly in background: Hi Sweetie, welcome, you look so cute, aw so do you]
Meesh:
I invited people that I've collaborated with in the past when I used to make more artwork. People that I've met in dungeons or in scene somewhere
[people chat in background- sounds like preparing noises for the party, Oh my goodness, blushing, blushing and you know I didn't know how much you wanted so here is a bottle]
Well Mercury, we met at a queer POC Play Party. We're both Filipinx. We're both very creative people. We're both healing.
Meesh:
[to Mercury] Cool. This looks lovely, you brought In the Dream House, I'm really excited about that.
Mercury:
I did, I picked a really good passage to read to you. Okay, okay…
Meesh:
It just gives me so much pleasure when we're like doing her little dance around consent basically and gratitude.
We all kind of sat down amongst these large potted plants in the middle of the floor. The windows are open and the breeze is blowing and we're all kneeling down on this beautiful rug.
[soft upbeat music starts, people are moaning softly]
There's blankets all around and there are jars of different cut flowers.
[soft voice] How does that feel? That feels really good?
[voice whispering] okay, we're going to do a little bit more.
[gasping and moaning continues softly in the background]
Meesh:
Yeah in the past, the most successful events to me were the ones where, you know, we kind of all gathered together, talked about boundaries and intentions and desires. And then, like, you know, played for a long enough time that people begin to really, like, let their guard down and, you know, [moaning begins to build and get louder] request things that they might have been scared to request from anyone ever. [moaning builds intensity]
Mercury:
Yeah. Pull on that rope, uh-huh yeah. Tug on it. Oh!
[with a voice that sounds like it’s experiencing pain and delicious pleasure] Oh, yes. Mmm hmmm yeah
Meesh:
Oh, you know, someone sees something that they like and they are like, I would like to try that too and you really kind of enter the space of trust with people. [buzzing and moaning continues throughout this section]
Mercury:
Ohhhhhhh
Meesh:
[whispers] Can I take a short journey?
Mercury:
Yes!
Meesh:
[whispers] Can I read you something?
Mercury:
Yes, please read me something. Ohhh, Uhhhhh
Meesh:
I read it last night. [loud moaning] and I thought of you…I marked the page… [moaning builds] “As long as I can remember, [sighing] I have been obsessed with physical and temporal, limits [exhale that sounds like release] the beginning, [loud moaning] the end.”
Meesh:
[narrating] The kind of play that I'm really interested in requires like a lot of time, like you have to create trust with the people that you know [buzzing and rhythmic spanking, someone moaning excitedly]
Mercury:
Oh yeah I like that blade on my ass. Ow! [spanking noise, laughing, moaning]
Meesh:
What I really intended to do today was introduce everyone to each other. Like, let's get comfortable. Let's talk about like where we're at. Yeah. You know, and what we're interested in. And let's be real upfront.
Meesh:
[buzzing] [to Mercury] Is this okay?
Mercury:
Yeah.
Meesh:
Everything feels good?
Mercury:
Yeah. [sharp intake of breath] OOoooh. Umm hmmm uhh. Oh. Oh. [intense orgasmic breathing]
Meesh:
[in narration] It's like that acknowledgment that we're like giving pleasure to your body and it requires both of us or something like you're receiving the pleasure but I have to be there to give it. Yeah. And it's like yes. The whole negotiation and the dance around that. I'm like acknowledging that we're doing it feels really good. Yeah. Yeah. [moaning and crackling]
Meesh:
[to the room] Yes! So many hands and petals and wooden blades. [spanking noise]
Mercury:
All these queens and princes [laughter] Yeah. Yeah.
Meesh:
[narrating] You know when sometimes when I was like in the most pain or doing the most healing work, like I would spend a lot of time helping others heal as like a way to kind of, you know, show myself that I know how to do this. Like I know how.
Meesh:
[whispering] How does that feel?
Mercury:
That feels really good.
Meesh:
[whispering] Okay, we are going to do a little bit more.
Mercury:
Okay.
Meesh:
Just make sure it stays tight.
Mercury:
[Moaning] I'll give you the back of my head, for right now. Ohhhh mmmmm.
Meesh:
So then you have to spend a bunch of time figuring out what feels good for you. And then you have to be able to communicate what that, like what that good thing is to somebody else so they can do it to you.
[intense emotional moaning]
Mercury:
[loud moaning] Ohhhh. [slapping] yes yes yes
[emotional moaning almost like weeping]
OOohhhh spank me with that blade again
[spanking]
I feel so great right now. Is everyone doing okay?
Party Attendees in unison:
Yes! Ohh yeeeeahhhh
Mercury:
Oh gosh, I feel so greedy right now.
Party attendees:
Oh, no no no. It's really fun to give. Everyone's enjoying it. Asking, open.
[spanking noise]
Meesh:
How are you doing?
Mercury:
Good.
Meesh:
Do you want a kiss?
Mercury:
Mmm hmmm.
Meesh:
It won't shock because I'm connected to you.
[buzzing, Kissing noises, music playing in the background]
mmmmm, Are you enjoying meeting all my friends?
[laughter}
Mercury:
Yes I am, Hi friends, Ohhhhhh.
Meesh:
I think they like you too..yeahhh
[ecstatic moaning cumming sounds like weeping and moaning in intense pleasure]
[kissing noises, exhale]
Mercury:
Do you think we can wind it down?
Attendees:
Yes…
Mercury:
And thank you, everyone.
Meesh:
Thank you for bringing that wonderful knife, and yourself.
[party attendees chat and wind down]
[laughter]
Who wants to go next? Anyone?
[piano and woodwind music fades in]
Kaitlin Prest:
Please forgive this brief interruption for a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back.
Meesh:
I mean, for me, play and creativity and like studio space are all like the same type of like there's a balance of like being stimulated, the right amount of stimulated but the right amount of distracted and then something gets triggered.
With me, and then basically, like when I play with people, I like to be called Meesh. I think Meesh is like one of the performative like personas that I have that, you know, basically like Meesh needs to be cared for. It's like, it's like my way of telling people like I'm now in a space where, like, I, you know, I need to be cared for, and it can happen in all these different ways.
[starry ambient spacey synth]
Mercury:
I didn't bring anything, but I can read something that I brought from my phone.
Meesh:
Oh, that would be lovely.
Mercury:
Did you want me to read something that I've written?
Meesh:
Yes! But maybe like once I've, like, been receiving for a little bit.
Mercury:
We'll build up to it, You’ll know when…
Party Attendee:
I also brought some poetry.
Meesh:
I've been like thinking about my somatic map a lot. I was struggling to figure out how to heal myself from some really old deep traumas. You know, I don't know. There are all these like mind games that we're all always playing with yourself for. Trying to understand things like. You name, naming something, recognizing something…
[spacey music and the sound of the party begin to fade in, voices begin to chat]
...as, you know, kind of the first step and then you try to, like, spend time with it. It's so uncomfortable sometimes.
Meesh:
Yeah. You start with just the hand or the roses maybe.
Meesh:
[narrating] And you just keep, you know, spending more time with it and all these different ways from all the different angles. And eventually, you know, you just have a much better understanding of yourself and then you don't have to eventually all becomes second nature.
Mercury:
I also particularly love hearing the sound of the petals being ripped off the stem.
Meesh:
It's up to me to decide, like, how do I want to present myself to others, how I want to interact with others? What am I looking for right now in this moment. I am sensitive and like. Yeah, the same, the same places every time where I don't like it in certain places.
Mercury:
I mean, for me, anticipation is part of the erotic. It's super important to me. You know, you like your fingertips being —
Meesh:
I do, ugghhhh
Mercury:
How’s that?
Meesh:
Yeah. That's amazing.
Meesh:
[narrating] And then we have to work together taking the building blocks about ourselves and each other and put them together to build something new. I mean, I it's to me that's quite revolutionary, but that's also just how I think sex should be.
[buzzing and sighing]
Meesh:
[to the party attendees] Can we try something? This may be hard or impossible, but I want to see if it's possible for everyone to kind of start at the top of my body, like make a rainbow.
Participant:
Yes, let's try that!
Another participant:
Can we do it with flower petals on your back?
Meesh:
Yes, yes… [ambient synth quivers]
Meesh:
[narrating] I am trying to create wholeness for myself and I would rather like be real with people, be intimate with people. Share these journeys. Like, not everyone needs to know everything about what I'm struggling with, but we all know we're struggling and working on things. And like, that's kind of, you know, the acknowledgment of that within erotic space is like super important to me. Yeah, those things feel really connected in terms of my vulnerability and creating wholeness.
[synth music fades out and the buzzing of the wand fades in]
Meesh:
[moaning builds getting louder]
Uhhhh, Uhhh
[sound of someone breathing fast, cumming, sighing, music fades back in]
Mercury:
How would you feel about us bringing that back up?
Meesh:
^^ Yeah.
[emotional moaning becomes laughter, and also sounds of release and sobbing continue throughout]
Meesh:
[narrating] You know, connecting with your body for me always leads to like sharing. And not necessarily like going deep into like what the trauma is, but just being like, you know, this kind of release and like a kind of witnessing everyone sharing the witnessing and support of that release.
[ambient starry synth fades in]
Mercury:
So many people caring for you.
[soft buzzing and sobbing continue and becomes laughter]
Meesh:
[narrating] And then, like, kind of coming down and after care.
Mercury:
Do you want us to keep going?
Meesh:
[whispers] no.
Mercury:
okay
[sounds of breathing in and out, tearful voice, deep release, people are reverant and quiet in the space]
Meesh:
[tearful voice, she sounds moved] I really liked the rainbow.
[people sigh and laugh]
Mercury:
It's such a pleasure to do that Meesh, I'm glad we all got to do this.
[soft jazzy piano fades in]
Meesh:
[narrating] I come back a lot to pleasure activism. Yeah, and there's like a quote in there. “Pleasure is the path to revolution.” And it's like really only from understanding, like in a fundamental way what's okay and what's not okay for your own body, which is pleasure. Ya know? And like it's only when you understand that can you really apply it to the rest of your life, because if you don't know what's right with you or what's not right with you and that's different for everyone, you know, and like there's no rights and wrongs. It's like you're the only one who can do that work to figure out what's okay and what's not okay. I realized that. Yeah. Understanding my own pleasure map was actually the most radical thing that I could spend time doing because I couldn't, I couldn't, like, reach outwards again until that was right inside of me.
Meesh:
[tearful voice] What you said felt so good thank you, just asking me if you could come back up.
[people murmur and acknowledge ascent in this moment]
Meesh:
Thank you so much. Thank you for asking that. [tearful voice] I just really, I feel like you really understand what, what I needed and what I was asking for. Thank you.
Mercury:
[quiet voice] Mmm, you're welcome.
Meesh:
[narrating] The definition of love that I have been obsessed with comes from bell hooks' All About Love.
Party attendee:
You guys are amazing, you're doing such a good job receiving all this pleasure.
[people kissing]
Meesh:
[quoting bell hooks] “Love is the will, to nurture one's own or another's spiritual well-being.”
Meesh:
Or I'll just like hold hands with people while they're like receiving and doing their activities or tell like tell them like I'm here with you. It's so beautiful.
[moaning, kissing and buzzing noise of the Neon Wand continues throughout]
Meesh:
When you guys were doing the rainbow coming down it was so, like bodily orgasmic. And then, as soon as you asked if you could come back up, as soon as you could asked if you could come back up it totally like flipped a switch into a different brainspace.
Participants:
Mmmm… [piano music softly plays]
Meesh:
Even though it was exact same thing. It was crazy. Yeah, I was just like he gave me permission to feel something different or adjacent or. Yeah, like an extension of the first feeling, like the first feeling is like a bodily sensation that I've been like learning how to channel, how to access. Felt so good. Okay who's next?
[people laugh in a knowing way]
Kaitlin Prest:
This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly with Meghan Gordon and Angela Penaredondo.
Meesh:
I was just, um, just I was just thinking oh wow, NK's getting to know me real quick right now.
Kaitlin:
Editorial support from me Kaitlin Prest, Phoebe Unter and Sharon Mashihi.
Mercury:
This also looks so beautiful right, I know it does.
Kaitlin:
The Heart is Phoebe Unter, Nicole Kelly, Sharon Mashihi, Chiquita Paschal and me, Kaitlin Prest. You can follow us on Instagram at The Heart Radio, Twitter. Same thing. You can go to the Heart Radio dot org, if you want to donate money to support the art we're making. And you can go to Mermaid Palace dot org to find other shows produced by Mermaid Palace. This magic art company where we make weirdo shit for your listening pleasure. You can follow me at Kaitlin Prest. Mostly I just post pics of my quarantine life. And we thank Mitra Kaboli, and we thank Jes Grossmann, two people who helped put down the bricks that the show stands upon creatively and all of the other people who have helped this show become what it is. And thank you to you listening person, person who is listening for following along with our curiosities and our questions, creative explorations. OK. The Heart is a proud member of Radiotopia, bye.
